


Will you love me tomorrow?

by Jaskiers_BrokenLute



Category: The Witcher (TV), Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Depressed Jaskier | Dandelion, Depression, Developing Relationship, Dissociation, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia Loves Jaskier | Dandelion, Hopeful Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Sad Jaskier | Dandelion, Sweet, good boyfriend Geralt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-20
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-16 11:28:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,939
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29575365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jaskiers_BrokenLute/pseuds/Jaskiers_BrokenLute
Summary: "What if you don't love me tomorrow?" He asks, his heart beating out of his chest while Geralt's begins to bruise.Jaskier doesn't feel like himself, he doesn't feel human and how could Geralt love him when he can't feel his own being?Geralt loves Jaskier more than enough to get through this.
Relationships: Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier | Dandelion
Comments: 8
Kudos: 75





	Will you love me tomorrow?

**Author's Note:**

> This is comfort heavy, but do mind the tags. There are descriptions of disassociation, depression, and general bad mental health. Take care of yourself.

People don't usually notice when taking a full breath becomes impossible no matter how long you inhale, they don't notice when everything goes from easily done to a list of to-dos that gets increasingly longer the deeper you sink into apathy. 

People don't normally notice when Jaskier gets quieter, the effort of shaping each word when they're just going to fall heavily on his tired lips and sound so unlike him he wants to tear out his vocal cords himself.  
Usually, when Jaskier begins to stare ahead of him and lose time, not eating or bathing for days on end, he lets himself rot until eventually, the veil lifts enough for him to feel like a human again. 

But now there's Geralt, who knows Jaskier as well as he knows himself, who can see Jaskier staring at the same spot on the wall but not looking at anything. 

"Jaskier?" He sits beside him on the couch, not touching Jaskier just yet knowing from personal experience how being touched when you don't want it can feel like worms underneath your skin. 

Jaskier hears his name but doesn't register it for a few moments, trying to turn his head but his neck feels like a steel rod, his eyes not moving as he slowly pivots towards Geralt.  
He wants to stay here, not quite in his body so he won't have to speak or turn his neck for Geralt, but he can't ignore him, he doesn't deserve to have Jaskier's own problems affect him. 

"Are you okay?" 

Jaskier thinks about the words a moment, rolling them around in his mind the way you do a sweet with your tongue to guess the flavour. He feels less than, but no in a way that can be fixed. Pumped full of musty air, the inflation all that's keeping him up, but he doesn't hurt, just feels wrong. He wants to assure Geralt that he's fine, there is no burden he wants to share with Geralt and ruin their fresh relationship before it's even lived. But he truly has no answer that he can give that's close to the truth without hurting Geralt. 

"I'm fine," He answers, his eyes trained on the wall behind Geralt, he'd try for eye contact to sell the point but he knows it will only make the hair on his neck stand on end. 

"Do you want to stay the night? I don't think you should drive like this," He doesn't believe that Jaskier's fine for a second, but it's clear he doesn't want to talk about it just yet.  
The least he can do now without getting to the root of the problem is make sure Jaskier doesn't hurt himself trying to get home, or afterwards if his mind is reflecting what he looks like right now. 

Jaskier can see that Geralt cares for him, knows that he loves him back, more than he's loved anyone before him. But now, looking at Geralt he can't feel close to him almost wants to leave despite knowing Geralt is right, knowing if he leaves he'll do something to hurt himself.  
If he leaves he'll let it get into his head that he and Geralt are going to crash and burn, like every relationship before Jaskier will be heartbroken and wondering if he should have left before. 

Only now it would ache for more than the usual two months, he would miss Geralt more than anyone, would regret every moment they've ever spent together. If he breaks it off now maybe he can spare himself that pain, but he'll never know if he could have been happy. 

He's so frustrated he wants to ball his hands into fists, hit every inch of himself until he's nothing but a throbbing bruise with nothing terrorizing his brain or making him feel trapped inside a situation he's created. 

"Jask?" 

"What?" He comes back, realizing he hasn't been able to see or hear for the past... few minutes maybe, could have been hours, what time it is lost on him, what time he started staring at walls just as well. 

"Are you sure you're alright? I don't mean to push but you keep disappearing." He smiles, trying to make light of the situation. He's never seen Jaskier dissociate so completely this quickly. They've known each other long enough that he's seen Jaskier in every state, but this is different, worryingly different. 

"I don't feel like I'm here," He confesses. Not just in himself but in the life he's made. He doesn't feel like Jaskier as if a consciousness without memories or identity was put inside his body, made to know all of his life but with no connection to what he sees. He's not here. 

"Can I bring you back?" Geralt asks softly, it would make his chest ache if he could feel his physical form beyond the weight of it. 

"I don't know,"

"Okay, we'll work through it then okay?" Jaskier wants to lie down, doesn't want to be sat up anymore, doesn't want to talk anymore. He doesn't want to be around someone who can make him feel right now.

"Hey," Geralt pulls him in before his eyesight can fade and pull him back out of the world.  
"Look at me, you don't have to look at my eyes," he snaps his fingers in front of his own face, drawing Jaksier's gaze naturally towards the sound and movement before he could think about it. He stares at the sharp curve of Geralt's nose taking in the details, keeping him in the moment more than the blank wall could. 

"Good, can I touch you Jask?" He thinks it over, he can't feel his skin at all, disconnected from the body he's in. He doesn't know if it would feel at all if Geralt touched him, or if it would put him back inside his body. Both seem unpleasant. 

"I don't know." 

Geralt swallows a sigh, he's not upset with Jaskier but with the way he must be feeling right now, he wants the way to help to be simple so Jaskier can feel okay again, but he's willing to sit here all night if need be. 

"Can I try? If you don't like it I'll stop and I won't touch you again," 

Jaskier nods, eyes falling to Geralt's motionless hand to watch the movement that hasn't happened. 

"Can you say yes? I'm not going to touch you until you say yes," 

"Yes," The word feels like putting too much peanut butter in your mouth, thick and heavy, in every part of his mouth, air moves around it but he still feels like he's choking. Every word adds to the effort of speaking around it. 

"Okay, I'm going to touch your arm now." His hand moves slowly, just his fingertips brushing against the skin of Jaskier's forearm. 

It's warm, Jaskier can feel the skin of his arm and desperately wants the warmth to touch every inch of skin he has so he can be himself on at least the physical level. 

"Will you hold me>" He whispers, the words a bit easier now that he's grounded more concretely with Geralt's touch, his voice rougher now that it all comes rushing back.

"Of course," Geralt shifts so he's sitting fully on the couch and not on the edge, leading but not forcing Jaskier directly beside him. He rests his head on Geralt's shoulder curling in on himself so his entire body can be held in Geralt's arms and against his chest. 

"I've got you," he whispers, rubbing his hand up and down Jaskier's back slowly so no bit of him is untouched, exposed to the cold nothing behind them. 

"I don't feel like myself," Jaskier whispers after a few moments of getting used to his being again, of feeling every point of contact. 

"I know. It doesn't last forever," Jaskier doesn't believe him, no matter how many times he's been in this very same position, only without the comfort of Geralt, and bounced back, he can't believe that this isn't the time he gets stuck. 

"It fades, I know it will Jaskier," He assures again, "You've already come back to yourself a bit, the rest will follow,"

"Will you leave me if I don't come back?"

Geralt closes his eyes softly, wanting to pull Jaskier so close to his chest they mould together. Whatever made Jaskier think he'd leave if he felt off vowed to be destroyed as he opens his eyes again. 

"No, I'm not going anywhere Julek," 

"What if you don't love me tomorrow?" He asks, his heart beating out of his chest while Geralt's begins to bruise. 

"Jaskier, why wouldn't I love you tomorrow?"

"They all say they love me, tomorrow they leave. No one loves me as long as I love them," His throat is tightening, the glob of nothing that filled his mouth and made words hard to shape having moved into his throat, making his lungs burn and the back of his mouth feel like sandpaper. 

It's quiet for a moment that drags on and holds them both hostage with thoughts of all that's about to go wrong, all that will break if one of them breaks the silence. 

"I love your fingertips," Geralt says, the words starting as a whisper and cracking into his voice.  
"The callouses, the ink that never washes of longer than a day, the rings you wear, the way it feels when you touch me. I love all of your hands, the fact they're good at making, the way they're so eager to touch and fiddle with everything, how you speak just as much with them as you do your voice, the way they feel in my hands." 

He holds Jaksier's hand in his own, examining and touching every part of them as he speaks. 

"I love your eyes, you look at me like no one ever has, they look at everything with separate adoration, you see the world in a way that makes me want to live."

Jaskier feels his eyes well up with tears, he breathes heavily through his nose and shakily out his mouth as the final brick is removed and all the hurt that had built up without him feeling it crashed down. 

"I love your words Jask, you speak like it's the easiest thing in the world, you can twist and contour words to mean exactly what you say, you make everything sound beautiful if I was half as capable as you are you'd never doubt that I love you." 

Jaskier sobs silently into his shoulder, overflowing and overwhelmed, but wanting to stay in this moment forever. 

"I love this and all the things that make you who you are, not in spite of anything, because of everything. How could I stop loving you tomorrow when I haven't even finished falling in love with you?" He asks, turning awkwardly in on himself to look at Jaskier directly. 

"I love you right now, you're hurting and you need someone to help you through it, and I love you now, I'll love you when you're okay again, I'll love you if you don't feel okay again, I'll love you if you stop loving me, and I will love you tomorrow. Okay?" 

"I'll love you tomorrow too," He speaks as clearly as possible with his throat stuffed with cotton and emotions. 

"I'll love you for every tomorrow I have in me, even when you can't believe me,"

And even though he can't quite feel okay, can't feel deserving of the love he has, Jaskier knows that at least tomorrow, he will be loved.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there, I hope you enjoyed my vent fic. If so you could let me know here or come say hi over on [Tumblr](http://jaskiersbrokenlute.tumblr.com/)


End file.
